Am I Blue?

I know why I didn’t post on Tuesday night: I had a fairly long Zoom call with some friends, and then I had some crucial prep-work to do for a Wednesday morning meeting.

I’m less sure about why I didn’t post last night. I stopped watching TV at 7 PM, I came into my “Goddess room,” I sat down at my computer, opened up WordPress, and then. . . . nothing much happened.

It’s not like it was the first night where I didn’t have an easy topic: no fresh books or movies, no yoga class, no introspective insights. But I’ve had other nights without an obvious topic, and I’ve still shown up to the page and written something. Heck, that’s what the whole “From the Hat” category is about!

When all is said and done, I just couldn’t summon up the energy, the will, last night to write anything.

I’ve felt that lack of gumption before. It’s one of those things I obsessively watch inside myself to figure out if “the black dog” is making a little repeat visit in my brain and my energetic space. So I’m doing a bit of a nervous self-assessment right about now.

Picture that first aid protocol where you’re feeling someone’s limbs for signs of broken bones or injury, only this time I’m trying to follow the folds of my brain with imaginary hands.

Berck

I can’t quite tell whether my current irritability and lack of motivation is that kind of irritability and tiredness, or if I’m just having a bad week. In that sense, I suppose the title of my post is a bit of a misnomer: I’m clearly in some bit of a blue mood.

I guess the real question is whether I’m the old-style pop song kind of blue or a bigger and more insidious flavor of ultramarine.

For the moment, I’m going to hope for the milder and temporary type of blue. After all, I’m up-to-date on my meds, I haven’t been drinking, and I’ve been (mostly) okay with my sleep.(1) I’ll try to be smarter about my bedtime for the next couple nights, maybe ease up a bit this weekend on the expectations of continued de-cluttering. See if I can hit a bit of a rest button and be feeling fresher come Monday.

Not that I’m planning to stay quiet here all the way till Monday. I have every hope that I’ll bounce back enough to get a post in here or there.

Still, if I do stay quiet till next week, I’m gonna try to be okay with that. Even though that kind of silence would mean my goal of 300 posts in 2019 would likely, and unhappily need to be reduced to 250.

Which is one of those small failures in life that azure episodes help create for me.

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(1) In all truth, the imperfections in this week’s sleep could even be part of why I’m feeling uninspired and gloomy.

(2) I’m trying to remind myself that I did only 3 posts in all of 2018, and quite literally zero in 2017.

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Image credit: Flickr user y.becart, via a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.0 Generic license.

 

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