I spent some time this evening getting organized and doing a little packing for my weekend retreat. And I should be doing my homework for said retreat. Instead, I’ve been trying to figure out another blog post while I watch Dancing with the Stars.*

Like with theater and musical theater, I have loved ballroom and contemporary dance for years. Unlike with musical theater, I have never had talents in that direction, so my love of dance has always been the love of a spectator rather than an aspirant.

(I mean, I can bluff my way through some basic stage choreography, like a lot of community theater participants. I think my natural musicality can give me some help in that department, but nevertheless: this gal would never be considered a triple threat.)

I’ve never been sure how much of my lack of dancing talent comes sincerely from a lack of talent in that direction and how much is the legacy of having lived dissociated or semi-dissociated for so many of my formative years.

There’s probably some aspect of a sincere lack of talent. I’m not naturally athletic in any direction, and I consider dance to be as sincere an athletic endeavor as any other sport. And then, when you look at my natural genetic body shape as compared to the body type of most dancers,** there’s another signal about how I’m not naturally suited for terpsichorean pursuits.

But as I’m learning more and more to live in my body and in communication with my physical self, and as that study overlaps with the possibility of me dipping my toes back into musical theater, I find myself wondering if the flavor of that experience might be a bit different now than from when I was last on stage, some decade or so ago.

Not that I’m expecting to be transformed from a faker to Fosse overnight, but I do wonder if there will be a bit more ease in my next dance audition. Hard to predict, but certainly something to watch.

* Fumbling fingers alert: my initial typing of the title was Dancing with the Tsars. How’s that for a new reality-show concept?

** You will, perhaps, notice that I don’t even list ballet as a dance style I’m strongly a fan of. That shit is just way too body dysmorphic for my tastes.